'Go and get my f**king child now' - Childcare workers reveal shocking abuse from parents

In June of this year, Bright Beginnings, an Early Years Educare Centre in Tipperary, was forced to call the gardaí due to an incident at the premises involving a “violent and abusive” parent. When Dr Anne-Marie Ryan, the owner of Bright Beginnings, shared the story on social media, she sparked a major conversation surrounding the level of disrespect shown to childcare providers across the country by some parents.

In response to Anne-Marie’s story, childcare staff from around Ireland got in touch to say that such negative experiences with parents is not unique to Bright Beginnings and that it is in fact a problem that is increasingly a cause for concern within the industry. I spoke with Anne-Marie to find out more about this attitude from some parents towards childcare staff and how Bright Beginnings is handling it, as well as management staff from two other crèches in Louth and Wicklow. Both of these childcare practitioners chose to stay anonymous.

Anne-Marie established Bright Beginnings on the outskirts of Cashel town in 2009, marking 17 years in business at the end of August this year. Similar to Ann-Marie, the childcare professional from Louth has been in the industry for over 20 years. Like most centres across the country now, all three cater for a diverse group of children, from different ethnicities and cultural backgrounds, to different family backgrounds and arrangements, as well as additional needs. One thing all of the practitioners fundamentally agreed on was that this issue of disrespect from parents is getting worse.

Anne-Marie even went as far as to say that she has noticed an increase in such behaviour more recently: “This is a problem that has become progressively worse over the years, and this past year has become actually abusive and absolutely intolerable.” The Bright Beginnings owner described two shocking incidents within the past twelve months alone wherein she was forced to revoke children’s places at the centre due to their parents’ behaviour.

She said: “I have had our entire team come to me because they were terrified of how they would be treated by one particular parent when their children were being dropped off in the morning or collected in the evening. If it was the other parent, there were absolutely no issues, but this one particular parent was liable to start shouting at whichever staff member was doing handover with them, and become extremely condescending over the most minor of things.

“If there had been an incident with either of their children during the day, and the parent needed to sign an incident form, not one of our team members felt safe approaching this parent about this. It got to the stage where I had to be on the premises from 7:15am to 6:30pm every day to ensure that I was there to meet this parent if they were doing drop off in the morning or collection in the evening. I did have a long conversation with this parent about how they were making the team members feel, and things did get better for a few weeks, but then they just became worse than ever and I had no choice but to revoke the children’s places.”

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Not only this, but Anne-Marie recounted incidents in which parents would “verbally abuse” staff members “using the worst kind of bad language because they were called to come and collect their sick child.” On one occasion, when a parent arrived to collect their child who had a very high temperature, they began shouting at team members to "Go and get my f**king child now" as the child was not in their classroom and instead in the First Aid room. Despite the staff members explaining that the child was being looked after in their First Aid room with Anne-Marie herself and that the parent would need to go there to collect them and hear about how they’re feeling, the parent continued to shout and curse.

Anne-Marie said: “The parent eventually came to the First Aid room to collect their child, and ultimately ended up being extremely abusive to me also. After the parent left, I was informed by two very upset staff members about how they had been treated by that parent. There was no hesitation at all. I picked up the phone and informed that parent that they were in breach of Policy 33, and their child’s place was being revoked with immediate effect.”

‘Anne-Marie’s Policy 33’ refers to Bright Beginning’s zero tolerance policy for any “rude, disrespectful, or abusive behaviour, manner, or interactions towards staff members.” If it is deemed that parents or guardians have been disrespectful to any member of staff then children will have their places revoked.

The shocking incident which sparked Anne-Marie’s social media post in June was the first time that any parent had attempted to physically harm a member of the team at Bright Beginnings. Anne-Marie said that on that particular day, the child, who had been attending the centre for two years, had been feeling very unsettled and began lashing out at other children and staff, and even bit one member of the team. Anne-Marie felt it was necessary for the child to be collected early and so called their mother, who Anne-Marie described as very understanding and always open to working with them.

The child’s mother agreed to collect him within a few minutes, however it was his father who turned up and, as Anne-Marie described, “was filled with rage.” He began shouting at staff, saying his child was being “discriminated against”, that he was “entitled to his government hours” and that the staff were “stupid” if they couldn’t “even handle a little boy.”

When he was asked to leave, he laughed and called them “stupid women” who “couldn’t tell him what to do.” Anne-Marie said: “He lunged at the child's Key Worker and attempted to grab her. I got between them, opened the door and got the staff member inside to safety. He then tried to grab me, but I escaped his grasp, went inside and locked the door. We were both very shaken.”

Despite not being able to enter the rest of the building, Anne-Marie said he “was trying to come through the window to attack me again. The anger in his eyes was terrifying, and he was lunging to try and reach me.” She told him that if he would not leave she would be forced to ring the gardaí, however: “He told me to call the guards that he will 'get them too', and if he isn't afraid of dying why would he be afraid of the guards, and that they couldn't do anything to him.”

Anne-Marie said: “I told him that it is very traumatic for his son to be witnessing all of this, and it would be very difficult for his son to see him being taken away by the guards. He said that he didn't care, and that we are not going to get away with doing this to his child.”

He eventually left after being distracted by his younger child and hearing Anne-Marie call the gardaí. Anne-Marie said: “Further safety concerns were raised after speaking with the children's mother, at which point we felt it necessary to raise a concern with the TUSLA Child Safeguarding Team.”

Although they may not have had to call the gardaí over parents’ behaviour towards staff, the manager of the crèche in Louth did actually recall an incident wherein the gardaí were called due to parents fighting each other. She revealed that the gardaí had to be called as one man hit a woman who was fighting another woman in front of the crèche; all involved were family members of children attending the crèche.

As previously mentioned, childcare facilities cater to a diverse range of children. In the crèche in Louth, they celebrated pride month as there were families in the school who were members of the LBTQ+ community and so it was relevant to many children attending. However, it caused major backlash and some parents even threatened to take their children out of the facility despite management explaining that such events were only celebrated if they were part of the lives of children and families in the crèche.

The manager of the crèche said that diversity doesn’t cause any challenges among children, but with parents. She told a story in which a major incident occurred in recent months at the facility wherein a father accused a foreign member of staff of pushing their child when walking to class, something that was done regularly by other members of the team without any issue. She said there was clearly a racial motivation behind this. There was CCTV and so the issue was resolved after a lengthy investigation was conducted.

In the Wicklow crèche, the manager said that she most often sees frustration from parents stemming from issues within childcare itself such as subsidies and the lack of availability of support services. However, from her experience, this frustration is misdirected at childcare staff due to their own misconceptions and misunderstandings as to how the systems work.

For example, with the National Childcare Scheme (NCS), parents have to look after their own subsidies and this process can be confusing and overwhelming for some. She said: “One of the many pressures we're experiencing is parents refusing to pay their bills, even though it's because they didn't update their NCS and they didn't follow the process that NCS wants them to follow.”

Then another issue is that for school-age children, crèches aren’t getting funding for AIM support for children with additional needs. She explained: “But you would in the early years. And a lot of the younger children, junior infants and seniors who would have an SNA in school then come to after schools and they don't have that one-to-one. And that makes parents very angry. But there's only so much a school-age service can do without that special funding.” She said that this anger often manifests into aggressive behaviour towards staff members at the crèche.

This kind of behaviour “can have an absolutely detrimental impact on the children”, said Anne-Marie. She observed that when parents display a disinterest or unwillingness to work with staff, that behavioural issues with the child will escalate.

“They are crying out for their parents’ attention, and unfortunately, it is often the case that the only real attention that they get during the working week is when we speak to their parents about their behavioural issues. The parents will usually have some sort of conversation with the child about this. Even if this is not a pleasant conversation for the child, in their minds - any attention is better than no attention, and therefore the behaviour will escalate because the child so badly wants and needs that attention.

“When a child witnesses their parent being disrespectful to a staff member, of course it is teaching them that this is the way that they are supposed to behave. Children will imitate what they see, especially if it is coming from their own parents. This is absolutely understandable, but it is even more difficult to address this with the parent, because they are just not going to work with us on anything, nevermind correcting their own behaviour to provide a good example to their child.”

On the other hand, the Louth practitioner said she often sees two sides of this when it comes to children’s responses. She notes that older children will tend to understand the “shame of the situation” and “shrink away from it”, especially bright children. Younger children, then, who don’t understand will adopt a similar attitude to their parents.

All, however, agreed that the vast majority of parents are friendly and very open to communication. Although, as Anne-Marie points out, “there are always a few parents who are not as approachable.” She said: “It feels like our dealings with them are very transactional. They just want their child(ren) to be minded while they are at work. They are not interested in how their child(ren)’s day went, or hearing about any behavioural issues or any concerns that we might have. Sometimes it feels quite like dropping a car off to be serviced. Drop off in the morning, collect in the evening, and pay the bill at the end of the week.”

Indeed, both managers at the crèches in Louth and Wicklow noted that there is a disparaging notion of childcare workers, unlike teachers, simply providing a ‘babysitting service.’ In fact, one parent even told the Louth practitioner this when she was advising them on the curriculum that they had to teach in order to prepare their child for primary school. She acknowledged that there has been big changes in the industry since she first began her career over 20 years ago, but the recognition for those working in it has not followed.

Despite educating children during the most crucial years of their development, there is a drastic difference in how teachers and childcare professionals are treated. In Wicklow, the manager said: “There definitely is a misconception of what's involved in early years. As someone who has worked in primary schools as well as early years, there's far much more pressure on early years than there is in schools. In primary schools, you get way more support, and that's nothing to do with how they're run, it's to do with what's available out there.”

According to Anne-Marie: “This is akin to comparing apples and elephants. School teachers are highly regarded and respected as professionals. They are not subject to the same level of regulation, expectation, and scrutiny as early years services. They are public servants, and are therefore protected and supported in ways that early years professionals could only imagine.”

As the sector is faced with numerous difficulties and pressures, Anne-Marie has urged parents to “just be nice” to staff who are educating and looking after their children everyday. She emphasised: “We understand that parents have bad days, and sleepless nights, and mornings can be hectic, and by evening time they are exhausted. We experience all of those things too, but we know that if we let those things affect us while we are at work, then it will negatively affect the children in our care and that is the absolute last thing that we would want to do.

“Please, just be nice, and accept that every decision we make is based on the best interests of the child. We do not want to disturb you at work, but if your child is unwell and needs to go home or be checked out by a medical professional, then we will disturb you at work because your child needs you.”