Standing with bereaved parents during the month of October

The grief of losing a child never goes away and October is a month to offer support to parents who are grieving as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness events usually take place across the country.

However, due to Covid-19, physical gatherings and commemoration events cannot take place in the same way as before.

The main remembrance event is Wave of Light, which offers an opportunity to stand with bereaved parents, families and friends by simply lighting a candle on October 15, at 7pm, and leaving it burning for at least an hour.

“There’s a lot of silence about baby loss in general,” said Longford mother, Aneta Safiak who, herself, has suffered the loss of five pregnancies at different stages, including one full-term baby girl.

“The fact that it’s still recommended to not announce a pregnancy before three months shows you that you’re supposed to suffer alone if you do have a miscarriage - it’s not supposed to be discussed, so don’t announce it, because you might be telling people it’s gone,” she added.

A miscarriage is a devastating thing to go through, Aneta explained, and many people go through more than one.

“It’s never the same, and it can be scary and life-threatening as well. A mother might need medical intervention. By no means should that be something to suffer in silence,” said Aneta.

There was a time, she added, that the advice when a mother felt a change in her baby’s movement was to lie down and drink a glass of water.

“But if anything changes, it should be checked immediately. No glass of water is going to help,” she insisted.

“Five years ago, I had a change of movement. My baby was suddenly hyperactive and I was told I should be happy and that it’s a good thing if the baby is moving a lot.

“But if it is a different pattern than usual, that should be checked immediately. Still birth is a lot more common than Sudden Infant Death Syndrom (SIDS) and we’re not talking about that.”

Stillbirth awareness charity, Still Aware, has said that, while a slow increase in movement probably indicates that the baby is getting stronger, a sudden increase, particularly if the baby feels over-active or hyperactive, should be immediately checked.

“The baby inside has only one advocate and that’s the mother, so trusting your own instinct is so important,” said Aneta.

The main goal of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month is to highlight the issue so that others know how to support a bereaved parent.

“A lot of friends or family avoid talking about it after losing a pregnancy but omitting the subject hurts more. It brings an element of shame - that it’s shameful to talk about,” said Aneta.

“I got a lot of that when I lost my baby. People said they didn’t want to bring it up to remind me. And my answer to that is ‘did you think I forgot?’

“Grieving has to be about talking and sharing those feelings and, if you have multiple losses and nobody to take to about that, it’s heartbreaking.”

It’s often a case, she added, that people simply don’t know what to say but Aneta stresses that you can simply say what you would say if someone loses any loved one - “I’m sorry for your loss”.

“What I got a lot was ‘you can have another one’. I know people mean well and the message behind it is a good one. There’s a big debate in online communities of bereaved parents on what not to say,” said Aneta.

“People say ‘God needed another angel’ or that the baby was ‘too good for this world’. But if you have other living children, does that mean they’re not good?

“I’m sorry for your loss is the best thing to say and then just be open to people discussing their feelings.”

When you have a stillborn baby, you still need to bury it. There’s still a funeral and a ceremony but, Aneta pointed out, it’s a taboo subject, so it can be a very lonely time for parents and this is what needs to be highlighted during the month of October.

“This is when you need the community. They say it takes a village to raise a child, but it takes a village to deal with the loss of a child too,” she said.

“Even when my first rainbow (a baby born after a miscarriage or infant loss) was born, people said ‘now you have your girl’ but I said that was my second girl. Losing a pregnancy in the early stages... a loss is a loss. There are no discussions on which loss is bigger or smaller.

“There is no support group in Longford for miscarriages or still births or anything like that. We are a small county but we are not immune to this. Something locally would be lovely. Women should come together - and men as well - and make it happen.”

The month of October is an opportunity for the community to stand with bereaved parents to remember lost children.

“All babies should be remembered in October. It’s good to remember them. It’s good to highlight it. And it’s good to remember and acknowledge that this is a part of life.”

A virtual wave of light event will take place globally on Thursday, October 15, at 7pm. To show your support for bereaved parents, simply light a candle in your home and leave if burning for at least an hour.