Longford Leader columnist, Mattie Fox
The problem of carbon monoxide dispersal is easily solved.
One needs to be in tune with the attitude prevailing in Dublin City.
Close all the one off houses, move everyone into city living.
That would mean hundred of thousands of new houses, but sure we’re already having half the young men in the country working in Dublin developments as the city sprawls even further.
Soon we’ll begin to meet Dublin somewhere west of Kinnegad.
Ban all animals off farms. Render the farmer as he should really be - a hopeless antiquated species who can carry smells you’d get sick on, just by walking into the room.
Ban all tractors, tidy up the roads.
Of course we must still allow lorries with sixteen or eighteen wheels to trundle through the countryside spreading toxins everywhere they go at a rate that would make any cow blush in horror.
Make country roads way off limits, thereby making it possible to put even bigger trucks on the roads to deliver oil, turf, and other fossil fuels.
We cannot really expect our dependence on diesel to be interrupted, as that would spoil the whole plan.
Obviously, we’d have to construct more high spec roadways, with European money, to deal with the increase in traffic.
Probably six lanes wide.
That should do it.
The country would become a series of the newly fashionable word “hubs”
There’d be a hub in every rural provincial town.
The entire countryside would be rendered pollution free.
Sure nobody living in the countryside of course. Finally everyone would be living where they should be in the first place.
In the town.
No hens allowed in the countryside unless in their thousands at the one time, under cramped conditions, where their feathers hardly get a chance to grow, and where they are fed nutrients to lay continually beyond the natural inclination.
No pigs either. They’d all be consigned to pig farms, wonderful places where you’d love to see the pigs frolicking in the muck.
On top of the concrete, don’t you know.
That’s anytime they get a minute's peace.
In such an environment the natural animal instincts take over and they involuntarily refuse to breed, but that’s no problem.
Not at all, we have potions to assist the natural process and make the whole thing a heavenly experience for our friends, the pigs.
This way we’d create a whole new way of living, where the chickens would be accessible in their thousands, pigs in their hundreds, cattle in controlled environments where nothing is left to chance.
All easy to access and transport.
Nothing to be worried about, at all, at all.
Oh yes, the community....
Ah sure they’d be occupied in health centres, and leisure centres, and massive humongous shopping centres, where they could do everything from cycling to swimming without ever seeing the open air.
What a wonderful journey into the mystic that would be.
A virtual utopia.
Finally satisfying anyone living in Dublin 4.
They’d be pleased.